Love should feel safe: What 'It Ends with Us' teaches us about relationship red flags
Photo by Sony Pictures Entertainment
by Sierra Schnitzer, LMHC, and Anna Gerstein
As we approach the highly anticipated release of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us on Aug. 9, we’re excited to see how the whirlwind romance novel will play out in movie form. The story, punctuated with sweeping gestures and intense emotions, has captivated readers — including us — since its 2016 release.
But as individuals who work directly with domestic violence survivors, we also want to highlight some of the underlying dynamics in these kinds of stories that seem like romance, but actually reveal warning signs when present in real-life relationships.
While It Ends With Us may offer a gripping narrative that makes audiences root for the couple, it's crucial to recognize the warning signs of domestic violence that are subtly woven into the plot. The romanticization of such relationships in popular culture can obscure the red flags that, in reality, are indicative of a dangerous cycle of abuse.
By recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and understanding the generational cycles that perpetuate it, we can empower ourselves and others to break free from unhealthy patterns and build lives rooted in respect, trust, and true partnership. In a world where stories shape our perceptions of love and relationships, it's more important than ever to be aware of the messages we consume.
Red Flags in Disguise
In many romance novels, grand gestures and intense passion are portrayed as signs of true love. But when we look more closely, these behaviors can often resemble what experts call "love bombing" — an overwhelming show of affection that can quickly turn into a tool for control.
The character Ryle in It Ends With Us, for example, may appear flawed yet redeemable. But his actions, when examined critically, align more closely with abusive behaviors than with the traits of a healthy partner.
Throughout the story, there are moments that should raise alarm bells: Ryle’s jealousy, his invasion of Lily's privacy by reading her journal, and his use of past trauma to justify harmful behavior are not romantic — they are abusive. These are textbook examples of the cycle of abuse that many survivors experience, where periods of intense affection are followed by episodes of control, manipulation, and even violence.
Generational Cycles of Abuse
Abuse is often perpetuated through generational cycles. Children who grow up in environments where abuse is present may struggle to develop healthy relationship models. They might see toxic behavior as normal, or even romantic, because it's all they have known.
This is evident in the character of Lily, who, despite her own traumatic experiences, finds herself drawn to a partner who exhibits similar abusive traits.
But it's important to remember that trauma, while a powerful force, does not excuse abusive behavior. Too often, stories like It Ends With Us romanticize the idea that love can "fix" a troubled partner. But in reality, abusers rarely change without significant intervention, and their behaviors can escalate over time.
This is why it's so critical to recognize these patterns and understand that everyone deserves relationships built on mutual respect, trust and autonomy.
The Subtle Danger of Romantic Tropes
Even if we intellectually know the warning signs, it is easy to get swept up in the idea of a passionate, all-consuming love. This is what makes romance novels so compelling — they tap into our deepest desires for connection and intimacy. But these same tropes that draw us in can also normalize and even glorify abusive behavior.
It's not uncommon for individuals in domestic violence situations to hold onto hope that their troubled partner will change. But in real life, abusers don't simply "get better" with time or through the love of a good partner. This is a dangerous myth that can trap individuals in unhealthy and potentially life-threatening situations.
At Jewish Women International, we work every day with survivors of domestic violence who have lived through many of the same patterns we see in these stories. We understand how easy it is to miss the warning signs when you're caught up in romance. But we also know that education is a powerful tool for prevention.
As you watch It Ends With Us or read the book it's based on, we encourage you to think critically about the relationships depicted.
Ask yourself: Does this behavior make the character feel safe, respected, and valued? Or is it controlling, manipulative, and harmful? Remember, everyone deserves a relationship that brings out the best in them, not one that diminishes their worth.