We tell our congregants that on Shabbat we hold two commandments sacred: “shamor v’zachor” – protect and remember. But to truly create a sacred space in the home for Shabbat, we must have a home that is at peace; a home of loving, healthy relationships and connections; a home where love is protected. During February, we invite you – along with your partner, your family, your Shabbat guests, your congregation – to celebrate a very special Shabbat of “Shamor L’Amour.”
JWI’s Clergy Task Force to End Domestic Abuse has created this toolbox of resources that will help your congregation discuss, explore, and celebrate healthy relationships. Here you’ll find complete divrei torah and sermon sparks that you can use as the basis of your own d’var Torah, as well as conversation prompts that you can share with your congregation - and of course use with your own partner and family.
Follow the links below to the materials you would like to see - each section includes a printable PDF - or click here to download a complete printable toolkit.
Divrei Torah & Sermon Sparks for Rabbis
Conversation Prompts for Shabbat Tables
WEEK 1: February 6th - Parashat Yitro
D’var Torah by Rabbi Sean Gorman
I love the drama of פרשת יתרו - Parashat Yitro. When I have the opportunity to read from this פרשה, I like to increase the volume and modulate the key higher as we get closer and closer to מעמד הר סיני - to standing at Sinai. We should not just read about Sinai being aflame. Even when studying, we should read the Torah as though Sinai is aflame. We should read the fire. Let the music of our text be more than just the טעמים - more than just the cantillation. Let it set the text ablaze.
As we get into the Decalogue itself, the 4th דברה - the 4th Statement tells us to זכור את יום השבת לקדשו - zakhor et yom haShabbat l'kadsho - Remember the Shabbat and make it holy. And we do much to make it holy. There are candles. We have a special meal. There is grape juice or wine. There is hallah. We sing songs at the table. For my household, we start to feel Shabbat roll in early. When the smell of our homemade hallah starts to waft through the house, it brings with it the knowledge that the calm of Shabbat is coming.
As Shamour l'Amour is about healthy intimate relationships, I want to point out two pieces of Shabbat that speak directly to those healthy relationships. The first is that Shabbat is sanctified couple time. Couples are encouraged to have a candle-light dinner, and then to enjoy each other's company later on in the sanctity of the bedroom.
The second is that we go back to the first ritual of Shabbat, lighting Shabbat candles. We know from this. Many of us lit candles as kids. Many more of us watched our mothers light candles. Now, many couples will light together. Numerous זמירות - z'mirot - Shabbat songs mention light or candles. That constant presence of light is part of the feeling of Shabbat.
An interesting question about Shabbat candles comes up in the Talmud:
נר ביתו וקידוש היום? נר ביתו עדיף משום שלום ביתו.
When there is only enough money to purchase either Shabbat candles or grape juice/wine for Kiddush, which one is more important? Shabbat candles are more important, for those keep peace in the household (Shabbat 23b).
On the one hand, this is a stunning concept. At first blush, it would be tempting to emphasize Kiddush, as it is considered a mitzvah, a commandment, from the Torah. On the other hand, there is no specific mention of candles in the Torah. One would think that a stated mitzvah might take precedence over one that has no mention. But no. That is not where we are. Peace in the household takes precedence. If there is no wine or grape juice, Jewish law permits Kiddush over hallah. It is more important to give up the wine/grape juice to be sure that the candles are lit.
For many people, the custom of lighting candles has remained in the domain of the woman of the house, although there are certainly times when the obligation falls to the men. That being said, my spouse lights candles. Our kids often light as well. With the Talmud's concern regarding peace in the household, I make a deliberate effort to set up the candles every week. The Talmud implies the obligation of household peace does not fall to only one person, generally the woman lighting the candles. It falls equally to the one who provides the income (or lack thereof) that brings about this Talmudic discussion in the first place. Setting up the Shabbat candles can thus serve as a weekly reminder to all of the mutual obligations in maintaining שלום בית - shalom bayit - peace in the household.
Explore another perspective on shalom bayit: Unafraid to Speak by Deborah Rosenbloom, published in Shma Now, March 29, 2018.
Sermon Sparks by Rabbi Sean Gorman
We note that Moshe is at work "מן הבוקר עד הערב - min haboker ad ha'arev - from morning until evening." His father-in-law admonishes him, telling him that it is too much. He tells Moshe to get help. Not every issue must rise to Moshe's level. When do we consider getting outside help if there is a challenge in the relationship?
We read עשרת הדברות - Aseret HaDibrot - the Decalogue. This ecstatic relationship we are now developing with God has rules. We must keep Shabbat. We are not allowed to steal. It is a significant list. Does the spousal relationship have rules? What are the rules of your relationship?
We note the Haftarah. In Isaiah 6:10, the final words of the verse are " ולבבו יבין, ושב ורפא לו- ulvavo yavin, v'shav v'rafa lo - and the heart shall understand, and s/he will return and shall be healed." The Talmud in this case equates healing and forgiveness. What does forgiveness entail? Is the slate wiped clean?
The Talmud (Megillah 17b) says:
ומה ראו לומר תשובה אחר בינה? דכתיב ולבבו יבין ושב ורפא לו.
Why do we recite the blessing in the Amidah regarding תשובה - teshuvah - return after the blessing for understanding? As it is written: "ulvavo yavin, v'shav v'rafa lo - and the heart shall understand, and s/he will return and shall be healed."
We learn that understanding must come before one can be healed (forgiven).
print the d’var Torah and sermon sparks for week 1
WEEK 2: February 13th - Shabbat Shkalim, Parashat Mishpatim
Sermon Sparks by Rabbi Yonatan Rudnick
1. In healthy relationships, partners love one another for who they are, not for what they do. G-d gave us, taught us actually, Torah and mitzvot, hukim and mishpatim (commandments, laws, and rules) as an expression of G-d’s love for us as the Jewish People, עם ישראל (Am Yisrael - the People who struggle and become more able in the process). This, Rabbi Shai Held teaches, is what we may learn from the evening liturgy: that first G-d loved us with a great love and then gave us Torah…mishpatim. Thus we do not get G-d’s love by doing מצוות (mitzvot ) or abiding by the rules. Rather we are loved from the outset, unconditionally, and we live into this love by doing mitzvot and abiding by the rules, recognizing and honoring important boundaries. So too in healthy relationships, the “doing” does not “buy” us love. Rather voicing our “rules” ( משפטים mishpatim) and acknowledging the other’s, and trying our best to observe are critical ways to live into the love we feel, profess, and offer our partners.
The love is axiomatic. The rules are what allow us to live together in a loving relationship, without being asked to give up me to be loved by you or asking someone else to give up who they are. In the spirit of The Book of the Covenant (ספר הברית Sefer ha-Brit), as Parshat Mishpatim is otherwise known, healthy relationships must have an agreed-upon framework of boundary voicing and keeping that becomes part of the unfolding narrative of the relationship. In other words, a healthy relationship cannot live on כוונה kavannah (good intentions; artful encounter) alone; relating in healthy ways demands some adherence to קבעkeva (framework for the relationship). Making the evolving קבע keva explicit in ongoing dialogue is integral to sustaining a relationship – it seals the covenant.
Questions for reflection:
Have you seen this kind of healthy relationship modeled, whether in your youth or along the way to where you are today?
How have you or might you imagine communicating with your partner that your love for them is a priori, that your love does not need to be earned?
2. One might think we learn in relationships by doing. And in fact, towards the end of Parshat Mishpatim (Exodus Ch. 24: 3), right after Moshe told the People (the Am) all of the rules (משפטים mishpatim), they answered with one voice (קול אחד kol ehad): נעשה naaseh, we will do. If this relationship between G-d and עם ישראל Am Yisrael were all about doing, certainly the narrative could have ended there. However, there are 15 more verses which make all the difference. So too healthy relationships go way beyond the overly-simplified telling of rules and agreeing to do them. In fact, when the Jews at Sinai first said “We will do” it was less a thoughtful response than a reflexive reaction. Four verses later (24: 7) the People change their response to: נעשה ונשמע naaseh v’nishma – we will do and we will hear/listen/reflect/understand. In those 4 verses, Moshe writes down all G-d has commanded, he builds an altar (like a wedding canopy חופה huppa, but with 12 pillars), sanctifies the covenant with the life force of all living creatures (blood), takes the written record of the covenant (ספר הברית Sefer ha-Brit), and reads it aloud to the People.
When relationship becomes covenantal, doing is not enough. In healthy relationship, doing for is different than listening to, hearing the other person. The listening, the נשמע nishma, makes all the difference, deepening and enhancing the relationship continuously. Furthermore, genuinely healthy relationship (not just one that “works”) demands partners who are lifelong learners – students of their respective selves, students of the other, and students of their relationship. Thus, as forעם ישראל Am Yisrael, the covenantal response “נעשה ונשמע naaseh v’nishma” is the mutual agreement to do and to reflect on the doing – to continuously learn, grow, and develop and individuals and in relationship. After all our rabbi of experiential education, John Dewey, taught that it is not by doing that we learn; rather it is through reflecting on our doing that we learn. Thus healthy relationships are relationships in which we are always learning and becoming more able partners.
Questions for reflection:
How might you become more response-able and less reactive in your relationship/s?
How do the dynamics of doing and being play out in your relationship/s?
3. The Torah reading for this Shabbat is supplemented by the first of four additional passages (in anticipation of Purim and Passover), relaying G-d’s commandment regarding the first giving of the half shekel (for the Tabernacle). When the Holy Temple stood in Jerusalem, each Jew contributed annually a half-shekel for upkeep of the Temple. The collection began on the first of Adar. Just as each Jew was responsible for upkeep of the Temple (and for building the Tabernacle – משכןmishkan), so too is each partner in a healthy relationship responsible for the maintenance of the relationship, the shared holy space where wholeness dwells in genuine relationship (related and relating), where being related is more important than being right.
What meaning do we make of the amount being a half-shekel, not a whole one? In the context of relationships, the amount of half shekel might teach us that an isolated person is incomplete, becoming whole only joining with another or others. Thus then, the goal of a healthy relationship is not wellbeing, but rather growth and development of each individual to grow and develop and become a more whole version of themselves. The Hebrew word for ‘giving’ the half-shekel is ונתנו v’natnu (meaning “each shall pay” and spelled with the Hebrew letters ו-נ-ת-נ-ו vav-nun-taf-nun-vav). This word, spelled the same way forwards and backwards, suggests that giving is a two-way process. In healthy relationships one receives even as one gives. Thus the relationship is mutual and beneficial.
Questions for reflection:
How have/do you balance the ‘we and I’ in your relationship/s?
What and how do you give to maintain your relationship/s?
How do you grapple with the desire (if relevant, even sometimes) for your partner to bring the whole shekel (to be your everything)?
print the sermon sparks for week 2
WEEK 3: February 20th
Parashat Teruma
D’var Torah by Rabbi Richard Hirsh
Relationships track a bit like the Five Books of Moses: There are amazing peak experiences (the six days of creation; the Exodus from Egypt; the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai) but more often than not, day-to-day life is not as dramatic, and is sustained by attention to the everyday mundane moments.
As an example, the concluding chapters of the Book of Exodus are devoted primarily to the drab-and-dry instructions regarding the first Israelite portable sanctuary, the Mishkan (“Tabernacle”). It’s a bit like reading an ancient shopping list for a trip to Home Depot.
But as is the case with relationships, paying attention to the details makes all the difference. Catching a nuance, sensing a hesitation, drawing out a concern, doing a simple kindness – these are the moments out of which durable relationships emerge.
So consider the materials used to construct the Mishkan. In his 19th century Torah commentary, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch notes that the choice of materials is not incidental. The altar-table, for example, is made of wood—a living material, a material that invites the partnership of the craftsperson, who shapes it, measures it, and assembles it into a form that determines its meaning.
As Hirsch notes: “The table thus symbolizes the material aspects of life which, by their very nature, are subject to changes...only in the Sanctuary of God does the table, through the spirit and the ordinances of God’s Law, receive its set limits, its firmness, endurance, and eternal meaning.”
On analogy, humans, like trees, represent a living thing, a growing thing, in need of being shaped and formed. And by extension, when two humans enter into a sacred, covenantal and committed relationship, that relationship itself is a living, growing thing, always being shaped and formed. Some degree of flexibility is called for, as is the capacity for resilience. And being aware of where a breaking point lies can be a safeguard against doing damage by demanding too much.
Similarly, the Menorah (candelabrum) of the Mishkan is the only object comprised entirely of metal, and of gold at that. To Rabbi Hirsch, this is the antithesis of the altar-table. Where the wood of the altar-table represents growth and change, the gold of the Menorah symbolizes stability and permanence.
Rabbi Hirsch teaches that the gold symbolizes that “the only firm, immutable and eternal element [within human beings] is the Divine element,” which he analogizes to the spark of divinity in each of us. The gold in the sanctuary reminds us that God’s presence can be trusted to stay steady and stable even through the ups and downs and the disappointments that inevitably arise in God’s relationship with people.
On analogy, sacred relationships also rely on a dimension of stability, reliability and steadiness. Relationships grow stronger when we know that despite moments characterized by sadness, anger or disappointment, we can count on our partner to hang in with us for the long-term.
This interplay between what is permanent, eternal, and unchanging, and that which is growing, fluid, and capable of transformation, is also evident in a relationship. As relationships grow in longevity as well as in wisdom, knowledge and experience, the possibility of renewing and restructuring them constantly presents itself. But as we age and change, we also seek a core of continuity which provides a sense of permanence and stability in our relationships, irrespective of the changes through which we move. It is in the balance of the durable and the dynamic that we find the real peak experiences of loving covenantal relationships.
Questions for Discussion
What are some aspects of your relationship that are constant? What are some aspects that have changed?
Recall a time when you and your partner successfully navigated a significant disagreement; what allowed you to come to a resolution?
What are some of the things that make you confident you can depend on your partner even in difficult moments or stretches of your relationship?
In what ways do you welcome change in your relationship? In what ways do you avoid change?
Shabbat Zachor
D’var Torah by Rabbi Leah Citrin
On Shabbat Zachor, we add the story of Amalek to our Torah reading. We are reminded right before Purim of the evil that has existed in various forms and individuals throughout history who desire to wipe out the Jewish people. As we approach Purim, a holiday marked by silliness and celebration, our tradition reminds us to be cautious. Yes, we can celebrate the positive. And we also must remember the negative.
“Remember what Amalek did to you on your journey, after you left Egypt — how, undeterred by fear of God, he surprised you on the march, when you were famished and weary, and cut down all the stragglers in your rear. Therefore, when the Lord your God grants you safety from all your enemies around you, in the land that the Lord your God is giving you as a hereditary portion, you shall blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget! (Deuteronomy 25:17-19)]
As terrible as this event was for our people, we are told to remember. Specifically, we need to remember what Amalek did to us. His actions were reprehensible, and by remembering, we have an opportunity to learn. We see so many different relationships within our own lives and the ones of those around us; some serve as positive models of traits to emulate. Some provide us cautionary tales of traits to avoid. But if we fail to remember what we have seen or experienced, we cannot use our learnings constructively.
At the same time, we are also told to blot out the memory of Amalek. We are given permission to move forward. We do not have to re-live the trauma of our ancestors; we need not give Amalek the person any attention. So too in our relationships. Once we are no longer living through a trauma, we can learn from it to inform our future.
Questions for Discussion
Think of a relationship you have seen modeled for you. What are the traits or characteristics of that relationship you would like to erase or blot out? What traits or characteristics would you like to emulate?
As we prepare for Purim, think about the various relationships of characters in the story. How might we characterize these relationships? Where can we find examples of assertiveness, compassion, patience, and empathy?
Sermon Sparks by Rabbi Leah Citrin
Spark 1: Lighting the Light Continually vs. Regularly
We read the instructions of the ner tamid (Exodus: 27:20). Rashi says this phrase means the lamp was kindled once per night and uses “regularly.” Rabbinic tradition emphasizes the continuity of the light. What is the difference? Something done regularly requires action each and every time. You must return to the task at regular intervals. Something continual might proceed without attention; it is more passive. What happens if we think of the ner tamid as our relationships? What does it look like to regularly tend to them or to continually tend to them? What aspects of relationships need regular attention? What aspects of relationships need continual attention?
Spark 2: Priestly Garb
The instructions for the priestly vestments are given in this parasha (Exodus 28:1ff). We know that sometimes, what we present on the outside is not what is happening on the inside. The wearing of costumes on Purim further asks us to reflect on what our outward presentation suggests to others in addition to how we choose to portray ourselves. The priestly vestments are intended to portray status; holiness and sacredness. What do we hope to portray with our clothing choices? How does dressing up in costume impact our perceptions? How do choices in clothing and outward appearance affect the way in which we are in relationship with others?
Spark 3: Shamor vs. Zachor
The name of this campaign to highlight healthy relationships is “Shamor L’amour”. This Shabbat is Shabbat Zachor. The two words come together this Shabbat and they also frame two different ways we can approach Shabbat. In Exodus (20:7), we are instructed זָכוֹר אֶת-יוֹם הַשַּׁבָּת, לְקַדְּשׁוֹ”. In Deuteronomy (5:11), we read שָׁמוֹר אֶת-יוֹם הַשַּׁבָּת, לְקַדְּשׁוֹ. When we think of these two verbs in relation to Shabbat, we notice shamor is a commandment that requires abstention from negative commandments and zachor is a commandment that requires active participation to do something. When we put them together, we find balance. In healthy relationships, we must find the balance between action and inaction.
print the divrei Torah and sermon sparks for week 3
WEEK 4: February 27th - Parashat Tetzevah
D’var Torah by Rabbi Richard Hirsh
Writing in The Torah: A Women’s Commentary, Dr. Lisa Grant makes the following observation: “Tetzaveh is the only parashah...where the name of Moses does not appear.”
The absence of Moses in the narrative of the assembling of the Mishkan and the ordaining of the line of Aaron as the lineal antecedents of the priestly (Kohen) clan is interpreted by some commentators as an illustration of the humility Moses embodies. Moses is portrayed as practicing a form of what later Jewish mysticism calls tzimtzum, “[divine] contraction.” In the creation myths of Jewish mysticism, God is understood as self-contracting, withdrawing to the degree necessary in order to leave space for creation to come into existence. Moses absents himself so as to allow his brother Aaron to “have the spotlight” during the ceremony of his consecration.
While Dr. Grant notes the absence of Moses in the parasha, there is also a theological dimension.
One of the overwhelming ironies of the narratives about the construction of the Mishkan is that the elaborate architecture and rigid ritual requirements for the religious rites are all invoked so as to create an appropriate place for the intangible Presence of God to be manifest. Put differently, most of the books of the Hebrew Bible imagine God to be “invisible” – this is a Deity that cannot be seen on penalty of death. (See Exodus 33:20: “For a human being cannot see Me and live.”) Put differently again, the intangible nature of the God of Israel suggests a paradox of presence and absence simultaneously.
Many religious traditions assume that the experience of God must be something appropriated externally. In the imagery of the Bible, God, among other things, is “seen,” “heard” and “acts.”
God’s interventions (“miracles”) are most often things that are tangible (for example, parting the Red Sea). But what the imagery of the Mishkan seems to suggest is an alternative model, one whereby the experience of God is something evocative yet internal and subtle.
Three insights from this parasha are illuminating. First, among the essential aspects of a healthy relationship is an awareness of the importance of tzimtzum – of surrendering some of one’s own space to make room for the other person. In order for a relationship even to come into being where that relationship has not existed before, each partner has to contract in order to make space for the other person. Kabbalah teaches that God did not have to do tzimtzum, it was a free choice, one made out of love. The inevitable and never-ending process of conversation and compromise that sustains relationships, when done out of love, is never a “giving-away of oneself” but rather a “making room for the other person.”
The second insight from the parasha centers on the person who goes unnamed – Moses. There was a time, and not so long ago, when in heterosexual marriages the wife was known as “Mrs. [name of husband] + [husband’s last name]”. Having your “own name,” let alone keeping your surname when marrying, was a development that took decades to evolve and become familiar.
In a healthy relationship, we recognize the importance of each person retaining her/his/their own identity as an individual, while also acknowledging their connectedness to their loving partner. Honoring the names that people choose to use, both when single, and when partnered/married, is one way that healthy relationships are sustained.
Finally, Dr. Grant teaches that experiencing the presence of God can be understood as “seeing” something that “was not there before” but also as “seeing” what has “always been there” in a new way. Dr. Grant notes that we may speak of the presence of God’s absence as well as the absence of God’s presence.
As relationships grow and evolve, and achieve a degree of longevity, couples will often discover something new, both about themselves and about their relationship. But they will also often discover something that was there all along, but had not been evident, or spoken of, or understood – but now stands revealed. How a couple interprets, understands, and absorbs these discoveries into their relationship can sustain and support a healthy relationship.
print the d’var Torah for week 4
Conversation Prompts for Families
Which acts or family rituals make you feel cherished?
How do you know someone loves you?
What do you do when you feel upset with someone or when someone hurts your feelings?
Why are blessings important?
How do you show someone you love them?
Is it more important to be right or to be happy?
What does shalom bayit (peace in the home) look like for you?
Look at everyone around your table. What do you know about each person? Can you name their favorite food or hobby?
What are some ways you could make the day better for someone close to you?
What are three things you admire most about your family members? How do you let them know?
For what would you like to be acknowledged?
Is it ever difficult to receive a compliment?
What is something you love to do as a family?
If your family were to sing a song to you each week, what words would you want them to sing?
What loving rituals does your family have? If there are none, what are some that you could start?
Who is special to you and why?
Talk about a time when a friend or family member helped you.
What makes you a good friend? What do you do when someone isn’t being a good friend?
print the conversation cards for families [cut them up, hand them out or put them in a bowl, and use them to spark discussion at your Shabbat table]
Conversation Prompts for Adults
How was sexuality addressed, or not addressed, in your family of origin? How do you think that affects what you bring to the sexual dimension of a relationship now?
Is it easy or awkward to discuss sex in your relationship? What would make it less challenging and more comfortable?
Are you comfortable suggesting changes to your sexual relationship? If not, what can you and your partner do together to make that an easier conversation?
How do you respect and maintain the comfort and familiarity of “the usual” while being open to new sexual experiences in your relationship?
In what ways are names (e.g., “honey,” a nickname, or a name unique to you) a form of intimacy? How do names reflect the uniqueness of a relationship?
Does the order in which friends and family name you as a couple – e.g., Bob and Edith; Jon and Dave; Sue and Michael – matter to you? Why or why not?
How does omitting a name reflect an imbalance in a relationship? (Who signs legal papers in a couple? Who is spoken to when a couple sits in a doctor’s office, or a meeting with a teacher, or in a car dealership?)
Name three important things couples can do for each other to maintain shalom bayit – peace in the household. What is important to you?
Which rituals do you have for each other that help achieve shalom bayit – domestic harmony?
Recall a time when you and your partner successfully navigated a significant disagreement; what allowed you to come to a resolution?
Thinking of the relationships you observe among friends and family, what are some aspects of those relationships that you would like to avoid in your own relationship?
Where do you see yourself or your partner, perhaps inadvertently, repeating patterns that you’ve observed in other relationships? How can you discuss that safely?
Thinking of the relationships you observe among friends and family, which aspects of those relationships do you respect and hope to emulate?
Do you have a loving ritual in your relationship? If not, what could it be? Date night? Daily hug? Annual vacation? Morning breakfast?
What are three things you admire most about your partner? How do you let them know?
What is your model of a strong and active woman? Who embodies that for you?
What must be earned in a relationship?
For what would you like to be acknowledged?
print conversation cards for adults [cut them up, hand them out or put them in a bowl, and use them to spark discussion at your Shabbat table]
