Lifecycle Resources for Jewish Clergy

Cup • כוסו

Respectful Partnership

• What are the values of our relationship?

• Do we know couples who exemplify trusting, loving, and respectful relationships? How can we emulate those qualities?

• Which aspects of our relationship are fulfilling, and which are challenging?

• How do we envision the tone and spirit of our home in one, five, or ten years?

Pocket • כיסו

Fiscal Responsibility

• Growing up, what did our families teach us about finances?

• How have those experiences influenced the way each of us think about and handle money?

• What are our concerns about our financial future?

• How do we each feel about shared vs. separate finances?

Anger • כﬠסו

Conflict Resolution

• What triggers anger for each of us, and how do we communicate those feelings?

• How do we typically resolve conflict or manage stress?

• How can we communicate more clearly and effectively?

Laughter • שחקו

Joy

• What brings each of us joy, individually and together?

• How do we nurture each other’s interests?

• How do we share laughter and intimacy in our relationship?

I. Issues and Approaches to Consider During Funeral Intake Meeting with Family

When working with families at a time of death, rabbis and cantors may encounter sensitive issues if abuse was part of the family history. The abuser might be the deceased, or may be a living member of the family. Both may also be present in the same family system.

Many families will offer information about abuse to rabbis or cantors in preparation for a funeral or memorial service. Other families may be uncertain whether to mention abuse, and some families will choose to keep such information private within the family.

A helpful way of assuring families that they may safely raise sensitive issues is to reassure them that anything they choose to share is presumed to be private.  The family provides the final guidance as to what may or may not be mentioned or alluded to in the funeral/memorial service.

Many clergy find it helpful to ask families during a funeral intake conversation “to share any sensitive issues that will be known to the family members who will be present at the service.” Clergy can underscore that the reason for asking is to help the rabbi or cantor be sensitive to issues that might otherwise perhaps inadvertently be alluded to. In further discussion, the family can guide the rabbi or cantor as to what should or should not be referenced. It is also helpful to share with the family that clergy can most sensitively support the family if they can be entrusted with the same information that those present at a service will know, while reassuring the family that only what they approve will be mentioned.

In asking families to share any sensitive issues that family in attendance will know, issues other than abuse may also be raised.

When families share disturbing information, the primary pastoral response is one of sympathy and regret at hearing what a member or more than one member of the family experienced.

Some helpful questions that can encourage family members to share information include:

• When did the family become aware of the abuse?

• Was the abuser confronted, and if so, what was his or her response?

• Did the abuse result in broken relationships within the family, and were those relationships ever mended?

• Was the abuser considered a part of the family or excluded?

When the deceased was an abuser, some helpful questions for clergy to ask include:

• Is a eulogy requested? Families may not know that a eulogy is optional. Some families may choose the minimum of traditional funeral rites and liturgy.

• If a family member/s plan to speak at a funeral service, will she/he/they be alluding to or mentioning directly issues of abuse? The rabbi or cantor should discuss with the family the pros and cons of taking on that role during a service.

• May the rabbi or cantor allude gently to issues of abuse in a eulogy?

• Should the issues raised by the family be incorporated in the ritual of cutting Keriah?

• May the rabbi or cantor include a prayer that acknowledges gently the issue/s of abuse?

• Should customary funeral prayers be adapted to reflect the family circumstances?

When an abuser is a living member of the family, issues clergy should clarify with other family members include:

• Is the abuser going to be present at the funeral/memorial service? If not, is he or she being informed of the death within the family? When a family does not want to inform a family member known to be an abuser of a death, a rabbi or cantor may want to encourage them to do so, although in a given situation that may or may not be an appropriate suggestion. Notifying someone does not have to include inviting them to attend the service.

• If an abuser will be at the service/burial, what if any restrictions on participation does the family want? (Example: standing with the family for Keriah; or placing earth in the grave; being mentioned among other family members in a eulogy, e.g., “brother of ploni…”) If there are to be restrictions, how and by whom are they being communicated?

• Will an abuser be invited to join the family at shiva? Assuming the person is Jewish, what is the family’s thoughts about whether he/she/they can he or she be counted towards a minyan?

II. A Prayer Before Reciting the B’racha and Cutting Keriah

By Rabbi Richard Hirsh

The tear in a [garment/ribbon] is a sign that death has caused a disruption in the life of a family.

The blessing we will recite, barukh dayan ha-emet, acknowledges God as the Judge of Truth. And the truth is, as we gather today to observe this ritual of mourning, we acknowledge with sadness that the wholeness and safety to which this family was entitled was torn by acts of abuse – acts that violated the sanctity and dignity of the divine image within which each of us is created.

As we make the tear in this [garment/ribbon] we also pray that the wounds that resulted from abuse may [continue to be healed] [move towards healing].

III. A Prayer for Funeral/Memorial Service or at Shiva

A Woman of Valor by Cantor Deborah Katchko-Gray

Eishet Chayil, a woman of strength and of wisdom; Vilda Chayil, a wild soul, injured and angry.

Eishet Chayil: At birth, her worth, as of all people,  is infinite.That tzelem—Divine Image in which we are created – when wounded and diminished, Leads from goodness to distress, from love to conflict. 

It is hard to bless and praise when we have been violated. To find the eishet when the vilda has been aroused.

Extending her hand, she can yet choose: to heal or to help, to hurt or to harm. May chayil be the strength and wisdom we recover To tame the vilda, the wildness, the injury and the anger

May [I] [You]  again be an Eishet Chayil, a woman of infinite worth as [I] [You]  go forward.

IV. For Kindling a Shiva or Yahrtzeit Candle

by Cantor Deborah Katchko-Gray

(1)    Holy One of Blessing, as You divided darkness and light, may this flame help to dispel the shadows of difficult memories. May it be a beacon of hope and possibility as I [we] continue to go forward.

(2)    Dear God, as I light this candle, I remember all that __________brought into my life. Moments of light and moments of darkness. May this light bring me strength, healing and hope. May it illuminate my path forward towards a better future filled with shalom, with peace of heart.

V. Suggested Eulogy Insert for A Deceased Person Who Has Caused Disruption in The Family

by Rabbi Andrea Steinberger

Chesed Shel Emet is the traditional Jewish way to honor those who have died. Chesed Shel Emet means “Kindness at a time of Truth.” It is what we seek when we speak of a person in these moments of passing/loss/parting. Our Jewish tradition wants us to show kindness toward a person who has died, remembering them with chesed, with love and mercy; and our Jewish tradition wants us to speak honestly and with integrity. And sometimes to speak honestly means we can remember, perhaps mourn, but not always honor.

Today I am [we are] looking at this tradition of chesed shel emet in this way.  I am [We are] also recognizing the emet, the truth that comes with this particular death.

So, what is the emet? In truth, we are acknowledging the reality that this person caused the family [a great deal of]  hurt and harm. There are family members who today are feeling significant pain as they remember the [abuse/disruption/violence] that occurred. They face the complexity of mourning a person who disrupted the shalva, the stability and safety of the family. It has been painful to [be in relationship with/acknowledge] this person. We are [revisiting/acknowledging/facing/coming to terms with] that reality.

That is our emet, our truth today, even as we are here [seeking/aware of the tradition of/challenged by] chesed, [showing/searching for/allowing for/] a degree of compassion. We are supporting the family today, those harmed directly, and those hurt indirectly, who are grappling with a complex grief.

There is a teaching in our tradition: 

 .כָּל אַהֲבָה שֶׁאֵין עִמָּהּ תּוֹכָחָה אֵינָהּ אַהֲבָה

 ,תּוֹכָחָה מְבִיאָה לִידֵי שָׁלוֹם

.כָּל שָׁלוֹם שֶׁאֵין עִמּוֹ תּוֹכָחָה אֵינוֹ שָׁלוֹם

[Bereshit Rabba 54:3]

 “Any love that does not include honest rebuke is not love. Rebuke brings peace. Any peace that does not include honest rebuke is not peace.”

May your family find space for the truth of the honest rebuke. May this space be wide enough to provide the safety to be with the feelings of complex grief.

You are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by chesed. May you know peace. [Amen]

VI. Alternative/Supplementary El Maleh Rachamim when the deceased was a perpetrator of abuse

By Rabbi Richard Hirsh

Dear God, overflowing with compassion, present throughout time and space, may the [soul/spirit/memory] of _________________ come before you for accounting; for apology; for atonement; and for forgiveness.

In the light reflected by all the holy and the pure presences gathered in eternity, may the good that was present in [her/his/their] life be illuminated and not extinguished by the legacy of hurt and pain [she/he/they] caused. 

Dear God, Source of Mercy, may the comforting shelter of Your eternal presence enfold those whose memories include hurt and harming. May the [soul/spirit/memory] of ______________ find rest in the share of the bond of life in which [she/he/they] will abide in eternity.

May [she/he/they] come to be at rest; may this death help to release [some of] the pain that is present,  and may each of you, who today remember, come to know peace of heart.

[Amen]

VII. Alternative Yizkor prayer when the deceased was a perpetrator of abuse

By Rabbi Richard Hirsh

VIII. Memorial Prayer for someone who was a victim of intimate-partner abuse

By Rabbi Richard Hirsh

Yizkor Elohim…May God remember [my ______] , __________________ who has entered eternity. May [her/his/their] [soul/spirit/memory] have gained a place of atonement in the bond of all souls. May the memories stirred in this sacred moment not diminish the healing [I may have accomplished]  [towards which I will work].

May my commitment to justice inspire me to acts of tzedaka that may raise sparks of healing in our wounded world. May even difficult memory come to yield blessings. And may I know peace of heart.

Dear God, overflowing with compassion, present throughout time and space, may the [soul/spirit/memory] of _________________ come before you for healing and for wholeness.

May the [harm/hurt/pain/abuse/violence] that cast its shadow on [her/his/their] life be released as [she/he/they] [is/are] gathered into God’s [Your] infinite peace.

In the light reflected by all that is holy and pure, and in the glow of memory among those gathered here today, may the blessings of [her/his/their] life always be illuminated.

We pray to the Source of courage and comfort that was sustaining in times of turmoil that the shelter of Your eternal presence enfold the [soul/spirit/memory] of ______________.