Clergy Guide on Domestic Abuse

Introduction: Why is it important for clergy to learn about domestic abuse?

Clergy represent a unique and powerful resource for survivors of abuse, both in terms of being responsive when made aware of abuse, and in speaking out about abuse to encourages survivors to come forward.

The 2009 Georgia Domestic Violence Fatality Review stated that “during a trauma, victims are five times more likely to seek the aid of clergy than any other professional. Clergy are people they know and trust.”   Because clergy are often first responders to domestic abuse, all clergy need to be knowledgeable and prepared about what to do when a survivor comes forward.

At the same time, Jewish Women International reports in A Portrait of Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community that “Women are more likely to go to a rabbi for help if the rabbi has previously spoken out about the issue [of domestic violence].”   As a result, clergy may find themselves as the first person to learn of an allegation, and be uniquely positioned to foster a climate where a survivor feels safe coming forward.

Historically, many Jewish wives  felt that they were responsible for even if that meant living with an abusive husband-and that message was all too often reinforced in the words of some of the classical rabbis. 

In addition, many abused partners felt and still feel the burden of shame captured in the Yiddish word  shonda. They may feel that it is shameful for them to put their own needs of self-preservation above the integrity or reputation of their family.  Unfortunately, while Jewish tradition offers much wisdom that we will discuss later in this guide, it is too easy for victims to justify not coming forward because of fear of the shame of being the cause of a family breakdown (shonda), or that there is some religious obligation to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of preserving the family (shalom bayit).  

As a result, clergy who represent Jewish tradition are not only a source of comfort and support, but a voice to survivors that it is not a violation of a Jewish norm to come forward, but is actually an obligation for the preservation of life -  a value that supersedes all others (pikuah nefesh). 

Why publish this guide now?

This new guide is published during the COVID-19 pandemic, a global health crisis that has transformed the way society needs to approach countless issues, including domestic violence. A report from The Council on Foreign Relations states “rising numbers of sick people, growing unemployment, increased anxiety and financial stress, and a scarcity of community resources have set the stage for an exacerbated domestic violence crisis around the world. Yet, as noted by Dr. Nancy Aiken and Rabbi David Rosenberg during the time of COVID-19, “Victims of domestic violence are not only facing difficulties reaching out for help; they are also suffering from a lack of information.” This guide provides an opportunity for clergy leadership in a historical moment that “changed the experience of domestic violence for its victims.”

Our Approach: Hear, Believe, Support Victims

The clergy guide is designed to provide colleagues with a user-friendly primer towards understanding key information about domestic abuse; their role in serving victims of abuse; symptoms and dynamics to notice; and key resources that can help support families experiencing abuse.

Our approach is based on three key actions: hearing, helping, and healing victims.

1. Hearing:

We engage in sacred listening, attentively hearing victims in their time of need, because letting someone have the space to tell their story is the first step in a long road towards healing.

2. Helping:

We support victims by assuring them they have the right to live without fear of their partner, teaching Torah, providing sound counsel, and providing appropriate referrals to services.  

3. Healing:

Being by the side of the victim and their families throughout all the stages of change, from pre-contemplation to contemplation to action through to long-term healing and independence.

In reading the guide, it is important for the reader to understand how each of these key actions interact with one another throughout the process of serving individual victims of abuse and addressing the systemic problem of domestic abuse.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse - also called intimate partner violence, relationship abuse, domestic violence, and partner violence - is a pattern of coercive behaviors used to establish power and control over an intimate partner. The first signs of abuse may be so subtle that the perpetrator is able to pass them off as expressions of “love.”

The range of coercive behaviors includes emotional, psychological and verbal attacks, physical and sexual abuse, and economic coercion. Isolation from family and friends is one of the powerful tactics an abusive person uses to control their partner. While only some of these behaviors may be criminal, all are psychologically and emotionally damaging, and instill fear or dread in the person being abused. It is important to know that the person abusing is not out of control – in fact, these behaviors are deliberately chosen to control their partner.

Those being abused and those perpetrating domestic violence can come from any socio-economic status, be any age, ethnicity, gender, race, religion, have any level of education and level of Jewish observance.  Relationship abuse can occur in any type of intimate partnership: straight, gay, lesbian, queer, and transgender. Though the vast majority of domestic abuse is committed by men against women, men are sometimes victims of domestic abuse and there are women who perpetrate domestic abuse.  Substance abuse, alcohol abuse, and gun violence are often correlated for both those being abused and those perpetrating abuse.

Get to know the advocates at the direct service agency in your community- both Jewish and secular.  Domestic violence advocates help the person being abused with safety planning, support groups, legal advocacy and other resources, often at no charge or on a sliding scale basis.  

Your relationship with the advocate will give you confidence when you make a referral-and you will be able to turn to the advocate for guidance in particular situations.

Dynamics of abuse

The range of tactics used by an abuser may run the gamut between subtle, verbal manipulation to overt, physical intimidation and harm. But the goal is the same: to gain power over a partner, and control over the relationship. During the early stages of a relationship while a relationship may appear to be perfect, there may be red flags such as over-vigilance about a partner’s whereabouts, disguised as love.  As the attempt to gain power and control increases, the abuser turns to behaviors that isolate the victim from family, friends, work, pleasurable activities, and sources of help.

While physical abuse may be the most overt sign of abuse, it may not be present at all in the relationship. Actual physical abuse may be threatened or used infrequently. However, even one incident of physical abuse or its threat can create a climate of fear. Physical abuse includes pushing, kicking, choking, punching, cutting, tripping, burning, throwing objects, locking out of or in a room and restraining. Physical abuse may escalate during pregnancy.

“I don’t know how I could ever set foot in shul again with these bruises. My spouse is a past president and some members are still our best business contacts, not to mention the customer base we’ve built up from this community. On top of what’s going on at home and in the shop with this pandemic? That’s all we need – gossip about my turning into a punching bag. I feel like I could trust the rabbi. Maybe even talk about this on Zoom from somewhere safe? But from where? These days, I’m always at home or at the store – in the back, of course, away from customers, isolated. If I could talk to the rabbi, I’d say,  ‘I know this is my spouse’s problem; I just happen to be wearing it.’ Or maybe not; that doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s his problem, but I’m the one who has to find a way to deal with it? I’m so confused. Dear God, I’m so confused.”

Sexual abuse is always an act of violence, but it is also a social phenomenon found wherever gender inequality is the norm and aggressive behavior is not only condoned but glorified. Lack of consent is the key characteristic in defining sexual abuse. Non-consent may extend to publishing photos or videos online that use victims’ sexuality in order to degrade or humiliate them. Sexual abuse may extend to the abuser prohibiting monthly mikveh immersion and then demanding sex from the victim. Sexual abuse includes sexual name calling, forcing a partner to dress in an uncomfortable sexual way, forcing pregnancy by hiding and/or refusing to use birth control and/or inhibiting her ability to have an abortion, forcing unwanted sexual acts, and rape. It can be very confusing for people in committed relationships to identify and difficult to talk about sexual abuse within the relationship.

“Did they teach about sexual abuse in those pre-marital counseling sessions they showed on that mini-series? Most of us wouldn’t even know where to go to find a coach, let alone one who’s ready to talk about abuse in a relationship.  I tried to tell myself I was too smart to become involved with someone who forced sex on me as if I weren’t even in the room, and then suddenly treat me as a person – if you count trying to extort money and other stuff by threatening me if I didn’t have sex. Looking back on this sad, totally frightening experience, I remember thinking, at least at first, that we both came from good Jewish homes, that this person came into my life with all the right boxes checked. I can already tell that the time I spent with my abuser is going to leave major scars. Major. For starters, I’ve been way too afraid to start dating again and my relationship with my parents and grandparents is at an all-time low. I’ve been too ashamed to face them ever since the story about those videos of me got picked up by the local press. I feel so betrayed, so alone.”

Emotional/psychological abuse can be as dangerous as physical or sexual abuse since a sense of one’s very self is at stake. Victims may eventually begin to agree with their abusers, becoming so self-critical that they see themselves as unworthy of any relationship not based on pain, shame, blame, or betrayal. The victim’s emotional burden may also be increased by the abuser threatening suicide if the victim leaves. This abuse includes use of humiliating or derogatory language, isolation from friends and family and the outside world, yelling, put downs and humiliation, threatening to leave or commit suicide, destroying objects, and threatening deportation if the partner is an immigrant and ‘outing’ a partner in an LGBTQI relationship.

“Walking on eggshells’ is an expression made with me in mind. Whenever I try to do the things that make me “me”, like catching up with one of my oldest friends or lighting shabbat candles, I’m told I shouldn’t be taking precious time away from our relationship. Lately, the daily doses of sarcasm have actually decreased, giving way to periods of ‘the silent treatment’. I also found out that my partner has started using GPS to keep track of my every move. Between the eggshells I’m stepping on all the time, the sarcasm, silence, and being contradicted so often, I can’t concentrate, can’t sleep. Not only that; my partner now insists that I’m the cause of our financial troubles and blames me for bringing the virus home every time I return from work or grocery shopping. I worry that I’m going to wake up one day soon and be too depressed to even leave the house. It happened to my mother; it can happen to me.”

Financial abuse can trap a victim by creating economic dependence on the abuser, and eliminating any financial resources needed to leave the relationship, establish a new home, hire a lawyer, or even feed the children. Economic abuse includes withholding money and information about family resources, demanding accountability for all spending, not allowing the partner to work or earn money, controlling the paycheck of the victim, causing the victim to be continually late for work, showing up at work or calling the victim at work continually, depleting the gas tank or puncturing tires, or taking the car keys,  of the car needed to get to work, and other deliberate interferences with the partner’s ability to be successful. Undermining economic self-sufficiency undermines ultimate autonomy and is a pervasive form of domestic abuse.

“I feel completely trapped in my relationship; I know that I should leave, but right now I don’t have the financial resources to make a move. What began as constant criticism of my spending habits turned into being told I would have to live within a strict allowance and account for every penny. But that was then; my partner is now demanding that I give up my credit card, while dropping major hints about investing in something big that I’m not allowed to know about. I’ve objected to both those things, of course. When I first resisted, I got called names, bad names. Now I get punched – without any warning, ever – for being ‘insolent’ and ‘ungrateful’  Oh, and the latest? Last night I went to sleep with the  words ‘If you leave, I’ll kill myself’ coming from the other side of the bed. It’s still ringing in my ears.”

What are some barriers to recognizing abuse?

• Intellectually we may know that abuse takes place in Jewish homes, but confronting possible abuse in our midst is challenging.

• Rationalizations like “everyone has a temper” or “maybe they’re just withdrawn” can blind us to the “red flags” that signal possible abuse.

• Trained by Jewish tradition to give people the benefit of the doubt and knowing that “many couples argue” may lead us to minimize the seriousness of what is going on and prevent us from supporting the person being abused.

• That the alleged perpetrator may be a member of our community – perhaps even a macher - makes it difficult to consider that he is abusive.

• The dynamics of the synagogue and competing interests may also affect our responses.

• The abuser is typically careful to act appropriately in public, keeping the abuse hidden in private, at home.

• The abused person may have become quite adept over time at hiding the abuse or accepting it.

Barriers when victim comes forward: DARVO

Sometimes, we may not be the first person to learn of an abuse allegation, and may face situations where we become aware of a public allegation or abuse or assault in our community.  While these events require a number of things from clergy, it is important to recognize that barriers to recognizing abuse can occur within entire communities, even after a person decides to come forward.

The process of backlash against those who make allegations of abuse is called DARVO by Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell in their book Blind to Betrayal. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) refers to a scenario where the abuser denies the behavior, attacks the individual doing the confronting, and reverses the roles of victim and offender such that “the perpetrator is assigned, or assumes, the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. Not only can DARVO cause psychological harm to the survivor but it may also lead to retraction or silence.”

As clergy, we need to recognize that we have a role to play in both serving victims of abuse one-on-one in the private realm, and modeling support and belief when these allegations are in the public realm.   Understanding these barriers is critical towards modeling this kind of public leadership.

What is the role of clergy in dealing with allegations of abuse?

Clergy have a unique role in combating domestic abuse: To speak out; to listen; to strengthen spiritually; to refer to local resources; and to create safe environments within their institutions. JWI’s “Needs Assessment: Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community” (2004) confirmed that clergy play an important role in supporting families experiencing abuse, and that women experiencing abuse are more likely to turn to clergy for support and guidance if they or he has publicly acknowledged that domestic abuse is experienced in Jewish homes and families.

You may well be the first person with whom the person being abused shares their experience. This is a sacred and potentially life-saving conversation – a matter of pikuach nefesh. When a person confides that they are a victim of abuse, you do not need to be sure that abuse has indeed taken place in order to act effectively. But you do need to know how to create trust and security in the conversation so that you can provide support to them and make appropriate referrals to a direct service agency.

When a victim has disclosed abuse, do not contact the abusing spouse or partner, which exposes the person being abused to danger.

Do not suggest or provide couple’s counseling!

It will put the person being abused in greater danger.

How should you reach out if you suspect domestic abuse?

Reaching out to a person may be a lifeline! Even if they initially respond that everything is fine, they will know that someone cares about them. They will know that they are not alone.

1. Discreetly pay attention to them, but do not do anything out of the norm. Find ways to raise your concern in a sensitive and secure manner that does not arouse suspicion on the part of their partner – perhaps invite them to be part of a committee or to help plan an event. Safety, privacy and confidentiality are essential.

2. Communicate that you are asking out of concern, that you are someone with whom it is safe to talk, and that you are available to provide support, resources and referrals.

3. Share what you have noticed, giving specific examples, rather than asking, “Are you being abused?” or “Are you safe in your relationship?”. Tell them you are concerned and that you are available for support and resources.

4. Be aware the victim may not see themselves as abused, even if they have experienced severe emotional and/or physical abuse.

5. Recognize that they may choose to seek help from another member of the clergy, a friend or relative, or a direct service agency, or choose not to seek help at this time. What is important is that they know they are not alone – do not underestimate the power of what you did.

6. People who come forward to discuss abuse may be interested in discussing concerns with a rabbi or cantor whose personal identity is similar to their own. That might apply to gender (male/female/nongender/queer/trans-identifying clergy), sexual orientation (straight/gay/bisexual) or age, among others. Rabbis and cantors should take the initiative to raise these concerns and be prepared to offer additional names of appropriate clergy.

BE-ing/DO-ing

If someone discloses abuse to you, it is critical that you:

1. Be an active and empathetic listener— take them seriously. Do not rush them – allow them to tell their story at their own pace and do not interrupt them; anticipate leaving enough time for a conversation when scheduling your meeting. Let them know that you are available for further conversations, if they so choose.

2. Be aware of your own feelings, and control your visible and/or verbal reactions to what you are hearing so as not to upset, influence or silence them.

3. Acknowledge their courage in coming forward. Consider that you may only be hearing a small part of a larger story. Be non-judgmental, respectful, and assure them of the confidentiality of your conversation.

4. Assure them that they are not alone, neither as a person nor as a Jew. Affirm their perceptions of the situation by sharing that similar experiences take place in other families, including other Jewish homes.

5. Assure them that they are not to blame – let them know that abuse is never the fault of the victim.

6. Assure them that Judaism does not condone abuse. Offer spiritual counseling, prayer, and meditation as a way of supporting them.

7. Acknowledge that psychological and emotional abuse are debilitating and traumatic.

8. Do not rationalize the unacceptable behavior.

9. Be supportive but do not tell the person being abused what to do or what you would do in their place. Telling them what to do echoes their experience at home, and may also have unintended legal consequences. Hear what they are willing to do and help them to weigh their options.  

10. Offer a ‘warm’ referral to a domestic violence service agency with which you have a relationship and/or suggest a call to a hotline or helpline.

11. Encourage the person to make a safety plan with a domestic violence advocate.

12. Support and respect their decision to protect themself (and children) with financial assistance, if possible, as well as with emotional, social and spiritual support.

13. Keep the disclosure confidential.

14. Recognize that this initial conversation may be followed by a period during which you do not hear from them. It may take more time for their story to emerge. Do encourage further conversation but do not pressure them to schedule a follow-up meeting. If they are still with their abusive partner, ask them how they would like you to follow up. Do not initiate contact without prior permission from them, i.e. do not call them, even on their cell; do not email or text them, or approach them in public.

15. Abuse generally takes place in private – when the abuse is public or publicly visible, it may be a sign of increasing lethality. Guidance from domestic violence advocates and additional input from the person being abused should be sought.  Abuse generally takes place in private – when the abuse is public it may be a sign of increasing lethality. Guidance from domestic violence advocates and from the person being abused should be sought out.

Don’t make an appointment for the victim to speak with a domestic violence counselor - just give them the contact information.  When they are ready to reach out for more help, they will know who to call.

What are some barriers to leaving an abusive partner?

It is often difficult to leave the abusive partner and victims may delay leaving, leave and return or not leave at all. It may be difficult for the person trying to be supportive to realize that the survivor is choosing to stay in the relationship - but it’s critical to recognize that leaving or staying is solely their decision and must be respected.

All too often people ask – Why doesn’t she just leave? But this question puts the burden on the victim and fails to recognize the complex dynamics of abuse and importantly fails to hold the perpetrator accountable. A better question is: What are the barriers to leaving an abusive relationship?

Some of the barriers to leaving:

• Fear

• Danger of leaving

• Lack of money

• Lack of housing

• No safe place to go

• Isolation from supportive network

• Inadequate or no legal representation

• Fear of losing the children in a custody battle

• Concerns for safety of children

• The fear of not being believed

• The abuser’s promises to change

• Feelings of shame

• Fear of being ‘outed’ in a homophobic community

• Community and family pressure that minimize the abuse and encourage the victim to stay and ‘try and work it out’.

• Love - the victim still loves the abuser and just wants the abuse to stop - not to end the relationship

What is the role of clergy when the person engaging in abusive behavior is a congregant?

Clergy may face additional challenges when the person engaging in abusive behavior is a member of the congregation. Consult with a local direct services provider for guidance on how to proceed and how to refer the person to counseling and/or a batterer’s intervention group, if appropriate.

Withholding a get (Jewish bill of divorce) can be a form of abuse within Jewish families and communities that adhere to halakhic procedures for issues of personal status (ishut). With the consent of the wife, it may be appropriate for a rabbi to reach out to the husband to discuss the importance of granting a get. Rabbis who have influence over halakhic communities can sometimes encourage the granting of a get through the application of communal pressure or ritual sanctions. Withholding a get can make the woman an agunah, chaining her to the marriage and denying her ability to move on with her life. Signing a halachic pre-nuptial agreement or adding the Lieberman clause to the ketubah can mitigate the likelihood that a get will be withheld.

Clergy should let women know that both Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis can provide a female-initiated or mutually-initiated Jewish divorce ritual and procedure, which can be an alternative or even a preference for some women. A Reform or Reconstructionist rabbi can explain the communal and halakhic implications of differing types of Jewish divorce procedures.

What can a synagogue community do if both parties are congregants?

There are special challenges for clergy and synagogues when both parties are members of the congregation. The situation can be even more complex if the person who engaged in domestic violence holds a formal or informal leadership position.

Communal and/or personal ritual events where both parties in an abusive relationship may be participating can be difficult emotionally and potentially dangerous. A protective order must always be honored, even if this means that the person who engaged in domestic abuse cannot participate in a communal or family event. Even without a court order, if the person who was abused is fearful or feels isolated, the synagogue can and should take necessary and appropriate steps to ensure safety.  With the survivor’s permission, such steps might include:

• Volunteers to accompany the survivor to and from their car.

• Sitting with the survivor at services,

• Be with the survivor at the kiddush or other synagogue function.

How are children affected by domestic abuse?

While adults may think that the children do not hear or see the violence, children are acutely aware of it, even if their age and stage of development may not enable them to articulate what they are seeing and feeling. Children who witness violence suffer emotional and developmental difficulties similar to those of children who are direct victims of abuse, and may also be victims of physical and/or sexual abuse themselves. They are also at risk of developing impaired brain functioning and cognitive development, low self-esteem, depression, anti-social behaviors, behavioral, and attention problems in school, delinquent behavior in adolescence, and violent behaviors in adulthood. Abused parents are often unresponsive to child witnesses because of their own fears.

The trauma of growing up in a violent home impacts a child’s sense of safety and ability to bond, often causing mental health and substance abuse issues.

Are clergy mandated reporters of child abuse?

Tragically, child abuse is vastly underreported often leading to dire consequences. Concerns about child abuse can be anonymously shared with a hotline such as Childhelp: National Child Abuse Hotline. Questions often arise about whether clergy are mandated reporters- legally required to report child abuse. In most states, members of the clergy are specifically mandated by law to report known or suspected instances of child abuse or neglect, but in some jurisdictions a “clergy/penitent privilege” may apply. As a result, clergy who relocate should check the relevant laws in their community to be aware of any salient differences.  Legal advice should be sought regarding mandated reporting; local direct service agencies will also be able to provide guidance.

For a quick overview of your state’s regulations click on this link .  Whether or not you are a mandated reporter, your role as a member of the clergy is to help ensure the child’s safety. If you suspect child abuse or neglect, reach out for help, share your concerns with the child’s teacher and other staff and work together to create an action plan.

What is Elder Abuse?

Our population is aging, as well as living longer, resulting in a significant number of people for whom elder abuse (also sometimes referred to as “abuse in later life”) may be a concern.  Most states require that elder abuse and neglect be reported to the appropriate authority, such as the state’s Adult Protection Services Agency, Commission on Aging, or similar agency.  This guide includes an expanded section on elder abuse to reflect this new reality.

Elder abuse includes physical, emotional or sexual harm inflicted upon an older adult; financial exploitation; abandonment; neglect of the welfare of older adults by people responsible for their care; or the targeting for exploitation or harm of older adults by strangers based on age, (dis-) ability or other older adult profiling.

As older adults become more physically frail, they are often less able to take care of themselves, manage their finances and/or medical care, stand up to bullying, or fight back if attacked. Mental or physical ailments can make older adults more difficult to live with, which can trigger abuse by caretakers. Older adults may have auditory or vision problems, or may not be able to think as clearly as they used to, making them more susceptible to being victimized.

Elder abuse primarily occurs in residential settings. Abusers can be spouses/partners, adult children, siblings, or other family members.  Elder abuse can also occur in institutional residential settings such as rehab centers, nursing homes, and long-term care facilities, and abusers can include other residents, and even staff members.  Neglect can be deliberate as well as unintentional, a result of ignorance or denial that an elder needs a level of care appropriate for their abilities, condition, and context.

Older adults are often susceptible to financial exploitation, including cashing of checks without authorization, forging signatures and misusing or stealing an older adult’s money or possessions.

What are Signs of Elder Abuse?

Signs of elder abuse can be difficult to recognize. They may be mistaken for symptoms of cognitive impairment or physical frailty. Frequent arguments or tensions between caregiver/s and an older adult, or changes in their personality or behavior, can be broad signals of elder abuse.  If you suspect abuse, or if someone approaches you suspecting abuse of a relative or friend, you might look for, or ask about, one or more of the following warning signs.

Physical abuse warning signs:

• Unexplained signs of injury, such as bruises, welts, or scars

• Broken bones, sprains, or dislocations

• A report of drug overdose or an apparent failure to take medication regularly

• Signs of being restrained, such as marks on wrists or ankles

• A caregiver’s refusal to allow you to see the older person alone

Emotional abuse warning signs:

• Threatening, belittling, or controlling behavior by a caregiver

• Behavior from the elder that may present as dementia, such as rocking, sucking, or mumbling.

Sexual abuse warning signs:

• Bruises around breasts or genitals

• Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding

• Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing

Elder neglect or self-neglect warning signs:

• Unusual weight loss, malnutrition, dehydration

• Untreated physical problems, such as bed sores

• Unsanitary living conditions

• Being left dirty or unbathed

• Unsuitable clothing for the season or weather

• Unsafe living conditions (no heat or running water; faulty electrical wiring or other fire hazards; dangerous environment--scatter rugs, clutter, exposed extension cords, etc.)

• Desertion of the elder at a public place (for example, being left on a bench in a mall for several hours)

Financial exploitation warning signs:

• Significant withdrawals from the elder’s accounts

• Sudden changes in the elder’s financial condition

• Items or cash missing from the household

• Unusual or frequent changes in wills, power of attorney and insurance policies

• Addition of names to a senior’s signature card/s

• Financial activity requiring mobility (e.g. an ATM withdrawal) when an older adult is homebound.

• Order and delivery of unnecessary services or products

How can clergy reach out if you suspect abuse in later life (elder abuse)?

Raising concerns about possible elder abuse can be a sensitive issue. As with best practices for other forms of abuse, protecting people is paramount. Inquiries to individuals about whom clergy are concerned should be made in places and in ways that do not expose an older adult to danger from a spouse, adult child, caretaker or other person in a position to be a potential abuser.

Clergy also often interact with adult children who are caregivers for older adults. Clergy can carefully raise concerns about possible neglect, or more simply, call attention to concerns about changes in an older adult’s condition that may have put them at risk and where additional care may be needed.

Economic and other circumstances often place older adults in the homes of their adult children, who may have to function as primary or even only caregivers. The stresses of such arrangements on adult children can result in words or actions that, even unintentionally, can become abusive. Simply asking “how are you managing all of that?” may be an opening for an adult child to admit they or he needs assistance.

Adapted from Help Guide’s article on elder abuse and neglect.

What can our synagogues and communal institutions do?

In addition to responding to an individual or family experiencing abuse, it is important to address the issue within the context of the congregation and larger Jewish community.  It is valuable to create policies within your organizations in order to be prepared if the situation arises.  Public policies also convey to the congregation and community that the synagogue is prepared to deal with the issue of domestic violence and is committed to creating a culture of safe spaces.  Policy areas to consider may include membership and/or suspension for an abuser, withholding of Torah honors and bimah honors for abusers, and removal from leadership/governance roles. 

As clergy, you can raise awareness about domestic violence and make it known that your congregation or institution and its professionals are working to prevent abuse and support survivors by:

• Ensuring that resources and contact information for domestic abuse services are posted on the organizational website

• Participating in domestic violence training for clergy

• Meeting with the local Jewish domestic violence agency

• Providing staff with training on legal and ethical responsibilities

• Developing policies for the organization regarding domestic abuse

• Including education about domestic violence as part of board trainings.

• Addressing domestic violence and healthy relationships in sermons

• Inviting a local Jewish domestic violence agency to lead a program

• Publishing articles about domestic violence in online and print bulletins

• Holding workshops on healthy relationships for youth and adults alike

• Posting crisis hotline phone numbers in public restrooms

• Displaying educational posters on communal bulletin boards

Acknowledging the reality of domestic violence often prompts those who have experienced abuse to share their experiences with someone they trust.

Several congregations and communal organizations have developed policies regarding domestic violence, including written guidelines for professional and lay leaders.  It is crucial to create policies that reflect the values of the individual congregation and not just “copy and paste” policies. 

In creating your policies, consider the areas of: 

• Membership

• Interaction with clergy and other staff members

• Synagogue governance

• Legal liabilities

• Torah/bimah (and other) honors

• Leadership

• Financial (accepting donations from abusers)

• Ensuring the synagogue is a safe space for all

• Supporting victims of abuse

These policies help avoid the need to react in a crisis In the process of creating policies.  It is important to involve mental health professionals, attorneys, and survivors of domestic violence, in addition to lay and professional leaders, in shaping these policies.

The Clergy Task Force’s webinar on creating synagogue policies is accessible on this link for the audio version, and this link for the slides.

Spiritual healing

In addition to the toll that intimate partner abuse takes on one’s body, mind, and heart, abuse is also an assault on an individual’s spirit, personhood, and soul – on the neshama. The physical wounds caused by domestic violence deserve medical attention; emotional/psychological hurt may be eased through therapy; damage to one’s neshama can be named and encountered with the help of clergy.

As individuals we each live in relationship to self, to others, to the world and to the Divine. These crucial relationships remind us that we have intrinsic worth and value. The isolating and demeaning nature of abuse is destructive to each of these human interactions and to one’s sense of inner self. The betrayal and belittling that are part of the suffering caused by domestic violence constrict the soul and break the spirit.

Feelings of betrayal are not usually limited to what one person has done to us; we tend to feel betrayed by the world, by life, by God. Spiritual healing from abuse inflicted by those whom we once trusted is critical to well-being. It takes time to heal a broken spirit, if it can be healed at all. The unconditional presence and genuine support of Jewish clergy can make all the difference.

Here are some tools, both ancient and contemporary, to consider as you help survivors toward shleimut (from brokenness to wholeness):

Sacred listening

The most important thing we as clergy can do is to listen intently to a person’s story. The isolation of abuse causes a tremendous sense of being unheard – unheard not only by a partner but by friends, community and even by God. Telling their story takes great courage, and we may be the first to hear it; our listening is a sacred, spiritual task. By simply listening we have validated a person’s experience and allowed their soul to expand. Sitting with those who have been abused, learning about their spiritual practices and beliefs, and communicating our feelings of hope help individuals to summon their inner resources.

Blessings and Prayer

Simple phrases; “May God bless you” or “May God give you strength” or similar blessings have great healing power. By asking the person who has suffered from abuse, “What would you like to pray for?” we can be guided in offering prayers on their behalf. they might say “strength” or “freedom” or even “healing for my abuser,” and we can then adapt the mi she’beirach formula to include their prayerful witness. “May the One who blessed our ancestors….bless with strength (freedom, etc)….”

Reciting and/or discussing traditional blessings, for example some of Birchot Ha-Shachar (“Praised are You….who makes me free … who releases the bound” - include Hebrew as well:  she’asani bat horin and matir asurim) can lead in some cases to an understanding that God is with their them and does not wish them to suffer.

Tehillim/Psalms

The Psalms can also bring comfort with their uncanny ability to name what we are experiencing, especially when we are feeling wounded. Ten psalms identified by Rebbe Nachman as ‘healing psalms’ have been collected in Healing of Soul, Healing of Body: Spiritual Leaders Unfold the Strength and Solace in Psalms, (Rabbi S. Weintraub, 1994).

Music

Listening to music and singing prayers and songs can be healing and listening to them together with the person experiencing abuse can be an uplifting experience.

Rituals

Many who suffer abuse can find spiritual strength in daily or weekly spiritual practices, especially those that were part of their lives before the abuse. It can be helpful to explore with the abused rituals and practices that help create an island of sanity in the midst of chaos and/or isolation. Examples: traditional observance; Shabbat candle lighting or prayer; meditation, yoga, exercise and mindful breathing.

In recent years mikvah rituals have been created to address a variety of needs, including healing from abuse. Examples of these rituals can be found at Ritual Well and Mayyim Hayyim.

Remember that our presence as spiritual caregivers affirms the inherent kedushah of those we counsel and brings the hope of Jewish tradition. Our listening is an assurance that the abused person is valued and that it is a distortion of our tradition for one person to abuse another.

In this guide we have laid out an overview to Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community, domestic partner abuse, elder abuse, the impacts of abuse on families and ripples in community, and ways that clergy can best respond to and educate around abuse.

Hearing, believing, and supporting victims of domestic abuse are essential.  Each of us plays a part.  Together, our efforts make a greater impact.

The Clergy Task Force of JWI is here to support you in your part of this work.

If you’d like further guidance in addressing domestic abuse in the Jewish community, or if you would like to learn more about joining us in our work, please let us know. 

Jewish values, terms, and concepts

שלום בית / Shalom Bayit, Shalom Bayis, Shelom Bayit / “Peace of the house” (Talmud Shabbat 23b)  [Rava said: It is obvious to me that (if one can only afford either) the lamp of one’s house (for Friday night, “Shabbat candles”) or the Chanukah lamp, then the lamp of one’s house takes precedence because of shelom bayit/peace of the home.” Rashi there: “One’s family would be in distress to sit in the dark (on Shabbat night).”]  See ”Unafraid to Speak,” by Deborah Rosenbloom, JWI.

Values and Dispositions

צֶ֥לֶם אֱ-לֹהִ֖ים / Tzelem E-lohim / “Image of God” (Genesis 1:27 and elsewhere)

כבוד הבריות / Kevod HeBeriyot / “Honor of creatures,” human dignity (Babylonian Talmud Berachot 19b)

רפואת הנפש, רפואת הגוף / Refu’at ha-nefesh, refu’at ha-guf / Healing for the spirit, healing for the body (the Mi She-berach prayer)

תיקון עולם / Tikkun Olam / Repairing or Perfecting the World; Social Justice (For example, from the Aleinu prayer, Mishnah Gittin 4:3, and elsewhere)

Strivings

וְהָיָ֥ה מַחֲנֶ֖יךָ קָד֑וֹשׁ / ve’haya machanecha kadosh / let your camp be holy (Deuteronomy 23:15)

גמילות חסדים / Gemilut Hasadim / “Performing acts of (loving)kindness,” one of three supports of the world (Pirkei Avot 1:1)

וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ / ve’ahavta le’rei’a’cha kamochah /  “You shall love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18)  [Compare the teaching of Hillel, דעלך סני, לחברך לא לעביד / that which is hateful to you, do not do to another (Babylonian Talmud Shabbat 31a)]

צֶ֥דֶק צֶ֖דֶק תִּרְדֹּ֑ף / Tzedek tzedek tirdof / Justice, justice shall you pursue (Deuteronomy 16:20)

אוהב שלום ורודף שלום, אוהב את הבריות ומקרבן לתורה  / Oheiv shalom ve-rodef shalom, oheiv et haberiot u-mekarevan laTorah /  Loving peace and pursuing peace, loving  people (creatures) and bringing them close to Torah. (Pirkei Avot 1:12)

כִּ֤י תִבְנֶה֙ בַּ֣יִת חָדָ֔שׁ וְעָשִׂ֥יתָ מַֽעֲקֶ֖ה לְגַגֶּ֑ךָ וְלֹֽא־תָשִׂ֤ים דָּמִים֙ בְּבֵיתֶ֔ךָ כִּֽי־יִפֹּ֥ל הַנֹּפֵ֖ל מִמֶּֽנּוּ  / When you build a new house, you shall make a parapet for your roof, so that you do not bring bloodguilt on your house if anyone should fall from it. (Deuteronomy 22:8)

לֹא תַעֲמֹד עַל-דַּם רֵעֶךָ:/lo ta-amod al dam reyecha Do not stand by the blood of your fellow (Leviticus 19:16). [See also לֹ֥א תוּכַ֖ל לְהִתְעַלֵּֽם/ lo tuchal lehit’alem / you must not remain indifferent (Deuteronomy 22:3) in the context of returning lost articles]

וּבָֽחַרְתָּ֙ בַּֽחַיִּ֔ים לְמַ֥עַן תִּחְיֶ֖ה אַתָּ֥ה וְזַרְעֶֽךָ/ u-vacharta ba-chayyim le-ma’an tichyeh attah ve-zar’echa / Choose life so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19) [“On the basis of this verse, Rabbi Akiva says: One must teach one’s child how to swim” (Jerusalem Talmud Kiddushin 1:7).]

וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּ֥ם מְאֹ֖ד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶ֑ם / ve-nishmartem me’od le-nafshoteichem / take good care of yourselves (Deuteronomy 4:15)  [Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 32:1 one must keep away from things that damage the body / צריך אדם להרחיק את עצמו מדברים המאבדין את הגוף]

What are the stakes?

יראת א­-להים / yir’at Elohim, yir’at Elokim / “fear of God” - a sense that there is accountability for one’s actions

וַיֹּאמֶר, אַבְרָהָם, כִּי אָמַרְתִּי רַק אֵין-יִרְאַת אֱ-לֹהִים, בַּמָּקוֹם הַזֶּה; וַהֲרָגוּנִי, עַל-דְּבַר אִשְׁתִּי

אחותנו/ Achoteinu / “our sister” - a sense of identification with the victims of abuse

א וַיֹּאמְרוּ הַכְזוֹנָה יַעֲשֶׂה אֶת־אֲחוֹתֵנוּ: . / But they answered, “Should our sister be treated like a prostitute?” (Genesis 34:31).

שתיקה כהודאה דמיא / shetikah kehoda’ah damya / Silence is tantamount to acquiescence (Babylonian Talmud Yevamot 37b) - we cannot be silent in the presence of injustice

לא עליך המלאכה לגמור, ולא אתה בן-חורין להיבטל ממנה / Lo alecha ha-mlachah ligmor, ve’lo attah ben-chorin le-hibbatel mimmenah / It is not incumbent upon you to complete the task; nor are you at liberty to desist from it (Pirkei Avot 2:16)

Partnership

כל ישראל ערבין זה לזה / kol Yisrael areivin zeh la-zeh / all Israel are guarantors one for the other (Sifra to Leviticus 26:37)

National Hotlines 

1. Shalom Task Force: Confidential Hotline – 718-337-3700;  888-888-2323 Confidential text and What’sApp line 888-888-2323

2. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

3. National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) available 24/7 for the nearest rape crisis center.

4. National Stalking Resource Center: 1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255) M-F 8:30 AM - 8:30 p.m. est or email [email protected].

5. National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474 (1-866-331-8453 TTY) available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

Visit jwi.org for a resource directory of domestic violence programs serving the Jewish community.