Ta’anit
By Sarah Barasch-Hagans
After Esther 4:16
“Go, assemble all the Jews who live in Shushan, and fast in my behalf; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens will observe the same fast. Then I shall go to the king, even though it is against the law; and if I am to perish, I shall perish!”
A fast…
A plan?
My uncle
does not ask
any questions.
Or if he does
he does not
ask me.
My uncle says
If you don’t do
what I say
We will be saved
but you will die.
And I want to ask
Did you know this would happen?
But instead
I tell him
Go.
Fast.
A fast…
A pouring out?
It is easy to forget
there are people
outside of the gate.
Distracted by my girls
“the maidens” and the whores
braiding my hair
and talking of a sister
called Vashti who,
before I was bought,
was killed by the king.
Counseled by my friend
“the eunuch” Hatach
holding my hand
and sharing pain
of sex stolen
by our families
for keys to the king.
It is easy to forget
there are choices
outside of the fear.
A fast
A preparation?
Secrets are all I have.
What will be left
if I tell the truth?
My sisters urge
You can be like Vashti!
And I hear myself saying
One dead queen is enough!
My laugh is hollow.
No one blinks.
And I hear a whisper
from my own dry throat.
If I am to perish
Then I will perish.
All that is left
is this simple fact
and for me to ask
who will fast by me.
A fast
...A plea?
We rarely mention God these days
and really,
why would we?
No one will save us
but me.
But that doesn’t mean
I don’t pray
in a pidgin Persian/Hebrew
--the only words I remember
from my mother.
It was she
who hid them inside me
carefully before she died
like secrets
that will know
when they are ready
to be told.