A woman is at high risk of escalating violence by an intimate partner when she attempts to leave the abusive relationship.
Once an abuser realizes that you want a divorce and perhaps custody of your children, he may become enraged and try to harm or even kill you, your children and/or himself. You and your children are in physical and emotional jeopardy before, during and after divorce and custody hearings- which can drag on for months, sometimes years.
It is critical to have safety plans in place during long, intense litigation- and to update them regularly, even if you are no longer living or communicating with the abuser. Domestic violence professionals in your community can help you develop a safety plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline- 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) (TTY 1.800.787.3224)- is a free, confidential, 24-hour and 7-day-a-week hotline that can help develop a safety plan and connect you with domestic violence resources in your area. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Learn more about safety planning.
Abuser having contact with your children
After leaving your abuser, one of the most important issues to decide is whether it is safe for your abuser to have contact with your children and, if so, how the contact will be structured and monitored. If you cannot agree to the terms of contact, then you can file documents with the court requesting a hearing to determine custody or visitation arrangements.
During the court hearing, you or your attorney (if you are represented) can tell the judge why you think why it is not in your children’s best interest for your abuser to have custody or visitation.
Because many state laws now require judges to consider domestic violence when making custody or visitation decisions, it is important to provide the court with evidence of the domestic violence. Although the rules may vary state by state, consider if you can gather the following evidence to support your domestic violence claim:
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911 records
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police reports
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witnesses who have seen or heard the abuse or its effects (family members, friends, neighbors, pediatricians, school teachers, etc.
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medical records
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protective orders
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physical evidence of violence
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photographs
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injuries
Even if you do not have this type of evidence, your testimony about the history of violence and controlling behavior will be important.
If a court grants you custody of your children and your abuser visitation, you can recommend that it be supervised at a court agency to protect your children’s safety. Alternatively, you should come to court prepared with the name and contact information of a trusted third party, like a friend or relative, who is willing to supervise visitations. For your own safety, whenever possible, visitation exchanges and supervision should be handled by a trusted third party to minimize your contact with your abuser.
Other helpful tips are:
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specify the hours and days of visitation ahead of time; do not allow for drop-in visitations
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ask the court to allow visitation only after the abuser has completed batterer’s counseling
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use a trusted third party to exchange children in a public, neutral place
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ask that the visitation be supervised by a trusted third party or a court agency
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if abuser is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it may be unsafe for your children to visit with the abuser
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have a safety plan in place in case abuser threatens you, your children, or a third party exchanging or supervising your children.
It is always recommended that you consult with a family law attorney with domestic violence expertise regarding your custody and visitation case.
Learn more about children and domestic violence.
Information contained on this website should not be construed as legal advice. Read full disclaimer.